Lost in no mans land

sometimes in life such things really get me very puzzled. i have totally no idea y such things will happen and y i reacted in such a way. sometimes i feel that i am doing quite well and i praise myself but everytime i does that, right aft that, a lot of things will seem to change, change to state whereby i hate myself to core. i juz dunno y i did those things, if u ask me if theres any reason for it i seriously dunno, maybe there is but i seriously dunno wats the reason. anyone out there if u know plz enlighten me. there are really a lot of things i am trying to improve but sometimes it juz gets really tough and i seriously need that time to improve. to some, yes i may look successful i may look great in front of crowd but so wat? if u ask me if i am happy i seriously am not, and its not that i hate life but its juz that the things i do... is there a way for me to behave like how i behave normally when with my friends around even infront of crowd? is there a way? yes there is but i seriously have no idea how either, plz someone out there teach me. sometimes things are juz hard to explain and no matter how much i do, the improvement seems to be in the air, juz like atoms which i can even feel them. Who is closer to me? kays i have a blood related brother but we arent that close coz we seldom talk for the fact that we seldom see each other, but wats worse is we seldom fight. nvm bout that but if u ask me whos my best friend i have a lot. i dunno how they feel but the ppl i simply love them to the max and will happen forever are my 2 sisters, i have never mind of telling them anything, and seriously its everything and anything. so long as they are willing to hear, i don mind telling them all, every single thing. no1 can replace them in my heart. one of them is my jie name Grace Lim while the other is my mei name Toh Jia Min:D